Today, for the first time in my life, I have conciously defeated my own heart.

I've changed.
oh fuck, how I've changed.
So, it's the end of the year. I'd have to say this year... really... fucked me up. Seems I'm back at square one. The square where no one cares. The square I've been trying to escape from all my life.
I wish I could just sleep for days. I've been having alot of dreams lately and it's difficult to seperate reality from them. I can feel myself retracting from those who want to help, and I hope with all I have left that they won't leave me... which is already happening. Which has probably already happened.
There's this empty feeling slowly knawing away at me, and I can feel my emotions being eaten away. I don't even know why I'm trying to put this in words, it's not like I could ever make anyone understand - not even my goddamned self.
I used to be a firm believer in Christ. And now I don't even know where I stand anymore. How could any God do this to man? to me? You would have thought he would have spent a bit more time on compassion.
I have no idea where my life is going. My dreams, my wishes, my hopes are all just washing away. I don't want to be an empty person just living out the days, jsut functioning like an emotionless robot. My concern, my soul, my everything... it hurts just to even try to hang on to them.
People. I give everyone everything that I am, and they just take and leave. It's like I have to become like that if I want to survive. they just keep screwing me over. I wonder if such a thing as trust even exists anymore.
Friends. it seems I've already lost my only one. My only fucking one. I have never felt so damn alone in my whole lifetime. even though it was only seventeen years... if i can feel more lonely than this... i'd do anything to prevent that.
Why the fuck am I like this?

Someone, please help me.

So anyway, I just went through all my entries and edited them, deleted them, and all that fun stuff. All of my old blog entries helped me to see myself in a new light, helped me to capture new meaning in old words, and helped me better understand why I am the way I am... not that I like it.
This break has pretty much been... well... an outlook-changer, to say the least. I know school is just inching closer and closer and this is one of those times I wish I had magical time powers and could just stop it all and hang around here a little longer... but then again maybe it's for the best I don't have those magical powers... If anything I'd take the power to warp... because that would just plain rock.
Anyway, it looks like I'm pretty much booked for the rest of the christmas break thing... I think I'll think of it as a good thing, because it's only when I'm left alone to think that I get really...uh..."emotional"...i guess.

later.

My soul is enslaved by my brain, faster and faster, the world is too busy to care and I understand that technology governs us all.

Ashlee Simpson forced me into the back corner of shame in my second hour today. Bower would smile at the sight of my bloody, half-decomposed head on his desk, but it's the same way vise-versa.
I really wouldn't mind either way.

Everything seems to be quite temporary - Which is one of the best and one of the worst realizations I have ever come to.

Fifth Hour -

A.J. (in this really annoying voice): Joan, are you having an identity crisis?
Me: My whole damn life is an "identity crisis".
A.J: Fine.

I've had enough. I've let my emotions take the best of me for too damn long. I took a few moments to look back at my life and I realized that I have accomplished absolutly nothing. Not one single damn thing, and I'd be suprised if I ever manage to change that. Everything seems to be a waste of time. Everyone seems to be a waste of trust. I'm sick of always picking myself back up again just so someone else can have a clear shot of beating me back down again. The scars are growing, the wounds reopening, time is spinning me around and stealing my breath. I just keep dieing, but never quite enough. The faces stare at me and I let them peirce my soul for a moment, hoping for some kind of release, only to watch them turn with shrinking concern. The blades sinking into my back only multiply with every soul I attempt to connect to leaving me to question why I even bother in the first place. Yes, my life is young, and only just begun, which turns my attention to the long road ahead. Every step drowns me deeper into it's thick embrace, and I wonder where my comfort must be. My faith is fading, my hope is thinning, my dreams are dieing. Reaching for a hand only to feel it's cold grip around my neck squeezing all that I am out of my mouth and onto the floor. Turning me from the inside out. There are so many damn human desires I have succumed to more often than desired. There are so many things inside me I could do with out, so many things that could be let go. So many feelings that only slice deeper within drowning me in pain and regret. By the next time I write in this, I hope to be as cold as ice.

YAY my computer stopped being a bitch! Well, I think I'm going to give the ol' blog a break and switch over to livejournal for a bit. Mine feels so... empty. So anyway, this is not the end, or even an attempt at one. I'll be back, and I'll probably post in here a few times here or there. So anyway, I would like to redirect all of you beautiful, wonderful people over to my not-as-awesome-as-this journal!
http://livejournal.com/users/deathjubilee

Ok, so I'm laying in bed staring up at the ceiling and I realize that there is a paper due for Medical Health Science. See, normally I would shrug it off and turn over to sleep, but, well, not today. I'm actually proud of myself for such a small accomplishment, and I thought I'd document it. So yea, here it is, Joan doing her project... ^_^

And so here I am again. Saturday and bored. >_0 Planning on cleaning my room. Finished with the first two Manga volumes my friend lent me and halfway through the third. I've been quite interested in it, even thought most of it is pretty mindless. Right now I'm waiting for my macaroni and cheese to cook and then I'm going to eat it while reading "Sky High", a Manga with a story line. My jawline feels alright, I stopped taking meds for the most part. My feet have little scratches all over them from running to the bus yesterday morning, but they should heal up soon. I think the house is all to myself (unless Josh is home) I really like being home alone ^_^. Jenna's at the mall with who knows who and my parents... well ... come on its saturday and they have cars... lucky bastards.
So I guess I'll be around the house causing havoc, playing with kitties, perhaps take a three hour long shower or something and watch my Alien movies. Hey, I like time to myself, I think I really do.
Hey my food's pretty much done, I'll be off now.
ta-ta.

Ok, so here's how it went.
Tom drives with me and my mom to the orthodontist people and then leaves shortly after to be late for class. My mom and I have to wait for around an hour for the person in front of us to go. We sit outside and watch this neat parrot until they call her on her cell. Then we walk inside and they take me to the back room and won't allow my mom to until they call her. They take my weight, then sit me down and put two monitors on my chest and one on my ribcage. Then they put on a blood pressure thingie and a pulse thingie in my finger. They let my mom in and then they take my temperature. SHe leaves and they slap a "happy gas" mask on my nose. She tells me to inhale as much as I can. So I guess I do and the heart montior is slowing down so I know I was calming down. Later the doctor lady comes in and they turn down the lights. I tried to hold on as long as I could. She then puts this IV in me and tapes it down then puts my hand on the arm rest. I could feel a chill rising up my arm, it was so damn cold. I was just focusing on the cold and soon I couldn't move my head much so I just stared at the wall. I don't know if I ever closed my eyes. I remember her telling me to open my mouth so she could put the clamp in, but then things just spun away. Seems an instant later I could see again and I tried to get up. The doctor held me down and asked for assistance. I remember a few hands holding me down and I was so confused, I didn't remember where I was. I used all my strength to pick my head up once more and two people forced it back down yelling something at me but I couldn't understand it. I tried to look around but everything was just so confusing and blurry and then I lost it again. I wake up with my glasses and without all the monitors and my mom comes in to lead me to the "recovery room" where I sit on this couch thing and try to collect my sanity. The doctor people all tell me I put up a fight and I tried to say I'm sorry like five times with the gaws in before they finally understood and she told me not to worry about it. My mom and some chick help me to the van and I'm still all high and we go home. Later I realize that someone sliced into my lip and did a shitty stitching job but oh well. My mom thinks its a good thing I fought, because something might happen in the future with rape drugs or something blah blah blah (she's paranoid about rape)
So anyway, here I am, still sore, swelling went down a bit today, I think the stitches in the top two incisions already melted away and I'm wondering if that's bad. I'm scared I opened it up or something, but that's just me being paranoid. My mom's just trying to keep me medicated witch makes me really tired and unable to keep my head up so I'm going to go back in bed and become bored.