My life is a fucking soap opera. I am so freaking pissed off at someone I should have been pissed at along time ago (no, it's not weenie[or Jon]). It's like today triggered a chain reaction and opened up all these feelings I locked up a while ago. "They" tried to talk to me today and something in my heart just snapped. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my stomach and swirled around all of my internal organs. I tried to ignore them so I wouldn't seriously lash out. I was so afraid I would punch them in the face or something, because you have no idea how much I wanted to. By 8th hour I was shaking and trying to just get the day over with. On the way home I just kept thinking about all of this and how to get over it.
It's so hard to sort things out in your mind when all you want to do is kick someone's ass.

*sigh*
Today was perhaps one of the best ones in a while. First I stuffed my face with Almond Chicken (saw Debbie!!!!) then I went and saw The Forgotten. Awesome movie by the way, go see it. (I bet your wondering how much they paid me to say that) Now, I'm just sitting back, sippin on some Orange Soda chattin with a few buddies and winding down for sleep.
The only bad thing about today is that I keep dreading Thursday. That's when I get my wisdom teeth sliced out. *shivers* I just know it's going to suck, I'm going to skip school that day and just curl up and try to read a good book or forget the world. I haven't decided yet. Please send all "get well" cards, money, candy, cars, and other expensie gift items to my home address.
Anyway, I'm going to go dwell on this magical evening, try to push Thursday into the back of my mind, and not get all scared of what might be out lurking behind my windows.

I feel my life has taken a turn, and it's one for the best. For one, it's become way more tolerable, even if the people in it haven't.
One big ass plus is Tom and Sarah. They both really mean alot to me and it was awesome how they tolerated each other, even though I know they are far from fond of each other. I can't remember the last time I could sit in a room with them both and not worry about which was going to be the first to draw a weapon. Speaking of Sarah, we've gotten closer. I think she is turning out to be a real friend after all.
After that, Tom took me home. He was really not in a great mood and sometimes I just worry about him. I don't know why, but I hate to see him sleep deprived and stressing about work/homework, anything like that. Even when I know there is nothing to worry about, I still do. I care about him alot.
So I walk through the door and instantly my mom calls my name. Unusually feeling calm, I went to see what she wanted. She was empting the book shelf and wanted some help. Looks like she's expecting to move sometime in the near future. When/if I move, I want everyone there to call me Iris. Joan is my Michigan name. It's weird, but I think it's a pretty name, and I just wouldn't want them to call me Joan. I can make up any identity I want to, but I think I'll stick with this one.
So my parent's fights get more intense, and it seems like my dad refuses to pay for food anymore. He shifted that weight to my mom and now I just don't know whats going to happen. I really don't want to get into anymore details about that because the last thing I want is pity. Everything will be alright, I'm certain of that.
So I picked out a few books that were going to be donated to the library and one of them is the best book ever. It's called "Standard First Aid and Personal Safety" from The American National Red Cross. It's great, it has illustrations of bloody appendage stumps, fish hooks stuck in fingers, sliced open arms, chunks of ear missing, nails in feet, just about anything you could think of like that. There's even dripping blood and everything. I am so going to read every procedure.. just because.
Anyway, I'm getting tired of talking about this day. I just wanted to mention it because I haven't updated in so long, and today I don't feel like whining or complaining, just talking about an alright day, and how much my outlook has improved.
*pats self on back*
... good Joan.

one day late due to computer unavailability

Today so damn fucking sucked.
First of all, I drag myself out of bed and run my ass to school. I get there and sit through every class too tired to actually think. So I go to the library for about an hour of some kind of rest, then went over to Jon's to do some Law and homework and whatnot. Well, I fought, but he finally got me to do it, with a few minor scratches. Sorry about that, again, again. Then something not cool happened that made me think of more uncool stuff and all this other stuff came flooding into my mind and now I have a fucking three page report to do due tomorrow. I have to freaking concentrate and I just can't bring myself to it. Not to mention I haven't eaten a single thing today and I'm just plain exausted and hearing about other people's wonderful days and moods is just not helping me out here. I just want to lay down and take a sleep but everytime I try, I end up staring at the ceiling and crying. So I'm going to occupy myself with this peice of technology and a scare handful of friends and try to work this out. I'm so freaking lost...


Hot damn, I love Video Killed the Radio Star.

Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face

Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again

Need to get this out.
Stevenson seriously sucks ass. Well, I don't like school in general, but this one has gotten particularly rediculous. Not just the fact that I have to be under the same roof with people I particularly don't care for, but also for the fact that everything is so freaking nuts.
I was walking down the hall with my headphones around my neck (wasn't even on people) and this one bitchy lady stops me and holds out her hand. I'm like wtf do you want, money? So she points to my headphones and just gives me this nasty look. (her and I are already on unpleasant terms) So I ask her what happens if I don't give it to her. She said suspention or something like that. Now, usually I would be like whatever, I'm not giving it to you.. but this year I need my credits. So I take it out and ask her how I get it back. She just shrugs. She doesnt even know her fucking job. So I open it and take out the battaries and Cd then hand it over. She walks away to get one of her hallmonitor friends (must be one who knows what to fucking do) Come to think of it, I wish I freaking took the headphones too, damnit, well they sucked anyway. So I walk down the halls to go to lunch and decide to walk Sterling and Sharon to their classes when I'm complaining about that lady and she walks by and points at my Cd player saying something like,
"right here."
Okay, what the hell, you trying to feel all powerful? Your job is pathetic, you feel special because you got to confinscate my property..oooOoo I'm so scared.
Then in lunch I was bored so I started throwing cheezits in the air trying to catch them (i am respectful enough to pick the peices up) So ANOTHER bitchy lady comes behind me and puts her hand on my shoulder. She seriously touched me WAY to much, I even scooted away during her lecture and she still tried to put her arm on me or something. I have ten days lunch duty because on the first day of school Jacob took my bag as a joke and went to the vending machines, i followed to get it back. This school is full of bitches on PMS or something. So anyway, they watch my every move, it's really creepy.
So looks like my cd player is gone unless i get someone to go down there. We all know how lazy I am. This school is really getting on my nerves, I didn't do anything to disrupt education or anything. I just strongly disagree with all of this.
Alright, that was relieving.
See ya.

I'd say my life has reached a stand still. At this point, to feel anything would be painful. I guess I'm just sick of emotions. Everytime I express one, I feel like I'm over-reacting. I'm just so used to keeping it all my own buisness, I just need a good listener.. one that doesnt use information as black-mail, one who doesn't release it in times of stress and anger. Tom is honestly the closest thing I have to that. I wish I knew if my whining bothers him, because it bothers me most of the time.
I need to find a way to vent normally. I just wish I knew how.

So, that time I spent off the computer helped me out a bit. I had time to think... even though school conflicted toward the end. I know I'm loosing a "best friend" and I know why. It's kindof a situation that cannot be solved, just emotions that need to be controlled on my part. I think it's a matter of if we both want to keep fighting.

I'm having my fair share of fighting and emotions and all this confusing melting colored madness these days.

I hope it all turns out for the best.