oh fuck, how I've changed.
So, it's the end of the year. I'd have to say this year... really... fucked me up. Seems I'm back at square one. The square where no one cares. The square I've been trying to escape from all my life.
I wish I could just sleep for days. I've been having alot of dreams lately and it's difficult to seperate reality from them. I can feel myself retracting from those who want to help, and I hope with all I have left that they won't leave me... which is already happening. Which has probably already happened.
There's this empty feeling slowly knawing away at me, and I can feel my emotions being eaten away. I don't even know why I'm trying to put this in words, it's not like I could ever make anyone understand - not even my goddamned self.
I used to be a firm believer in Christ. And now I don't even know where I stand anymore. How could any God do this to man? to me? You would have thought he would have spent a bit more time on compassion.
I have no idea where my life is going. My dreams, my wishes, my hopes are all just washing away. I don't want to be an empty person just living out the days, jsut functioning like an emotionless robot. My concern, my soul, my everything... it hurts just to even try to hang on to them.
People. I give everyone everything that I am, and they just take and leave. It's like I have to become like that if I want to survive. they just keep screwing me over. I wonder if such a thing as trust even exists anymore.
Friends. it seems I've already lost my only one. My only fucking one. I have never felt so damn alone in my whole lifetime. even though it was only seventeen years... if i can feel more lonely than this... i'd do anything to prevent that.
Why the fuck am I like this?
Someone, please help me.
